coupling s01ep03
you won't admit you love me
and so
how am i ever
to know
you always tell me
perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
perhaps
it's only an interview.
only an interview?pponly an interview?!
what if i panic?what--what if i sayan accidental word?
an accidental word?
well, there's pressure,you know.
the wrong word could just popout of my mouth by accident.
like what?
nipples.
why would you say "nipples"in an interview?
because i've just put the ideain my head, haven't i?
now i've got a flashing signin my brain saying,
"nipples, nipples, nipples."
all right, why nipples?why not thighs?
oh, great.
thanks a lot!
now i've got thighsin my head, too!
how could you say "thighs"to a person with an interview?
||sorry.i mean, why don't youjust throw in vulva?
vulva!
good evening, boys.
what's the matterwith him?
he's got female body partsmultiplying in his brain.
excellent.
okay, tip number one--this is major.
imagineyour interview panel naked.
naked?
really cuts themdown to size.
it's a recognized technique.
so the interview panelmight know about the technique?
well, yeah.
so they might retaliate.
retaliate?
..they might imagine..me naked.
you think the interview panelis going to imagine you naked?
jeff, you area pioneer of paranoia.
i'm gonna be sitting theretrying to convince them
that i am a safe choicefor senior accountant,
and, suddenly, i'm a naked mansaying "vulva."
you're just gonnasit on a chair and talk.
it's not difficult.
not diffi--not difficult?
i've got accidental wordsto worry about.
thanks to patrick here,i've got nudity projection.
and there'sthe giggle loop, of course.
what?
what's a giggle loop?
don't!
don't ask.
to knowabout the giggle loop
is to become part..of the giggle loop.
well, i thinkwe can take it.
( gasps )
no. you're not readyfor the giggle loop.
basically, it's likea feedback loop.
you're somewhere quiet.
there's people.
it's a solemn occasion--
a wedding.
no, it's a minute's silencefor someone who's died.
vvright.got you.
okay, minute's silenceticking away.
( clicks tongue )
the giggle loop begins.
suddenly, out of nowhere,
this thoughtcomes into your head.
ppthe worst thingi could possibly do duringa minute's silence is laugh.
and as soon as you think that,you almost..do laugh--
automatic reaction.
but you don't,you control yourself.
you're fine.
( exhales loudly )
but then you thinkhow terrible it would've been
if you'd laughed out loud
in the middleof a minute's silence.
and so younearly do it again,
only this timeit's a bigger laugh.
and then you think how awfulthis bigger laugh would've been.
and so younearly laugh again,
only this timeit's a very big laugh,
it's an enormous laugh.
let this bastard out,and you get whiplash.
and, suddenly,you're in the middle
of this completely silent room.
and your shoulders are goinglike you're drilling the road.
and what do you thinkof this situation?
oh, dear christ,you think it's funny!
excuse me,what are you doing?
it's a giggle loop.
it's not a loop,it's a stack.
i couldn't call ita giggle stack now, could i?
that wouldsound ridiculous.
exactly.
( sobbing )steve.
jane.
my auntie margaret's dead!
right.
well, say something.
shit.
shit?!
she's just died!
do you think you could bea little more appropriate?
ppcan i come in?now?
of course now!
but susan could phone.
so?
well, so if you're here,it's gonna be a problem.
oh, for god's sake!
she could come to the door.she could fax.
for christ's sake,my aunt's just died.
my aunt who practicallybrought me up.
you can't be here,jane, please.
( sobbing )
it was a heart attack.
early this afternoon,she just dropped dead.
it hasn't reallysunk in yet.
um...well, why don't yougo home and wait for a bit?
i wouldn't wantto comfort you prematurely.
it'd be such a waste.
look, jane, i can't be the onewho comforts you now.
i'm going outwith susan.
susan's gotan aunt of her own.
i have to worryabout susan's aunt.
why? what's wrong with her?
nothing, she's very healthy.
sorry, sorry, i realizethis is not the moment
to slap you in the facewith susan's healthy aunt.
my aunt was healthy, too.my aunt was..extremely healthy.
why do you just assumei don't have a healthy aunt?
well, you just told meshe dropped dead this afternoon.
you can't judgesomeone's health by one day!
look, susan's aunt--
susan's aunt! susan's aunt!
that's all you evertalk about these days!
look, listen!
all i'm trying to say is thatas much as i like susan's aunt,
i'm not gonna goto her funeral
unless she dies..during my relationship with susan.
xxwell, i wonderif susan's auntrealizes that.
well,i can hardly tell her.
it might seemstrangely pressuring.
so you're not coming with meto my aunt's funeral?
i wouldn't enjoy it.
look, i'm not tryingto get back with you.
i just don't want to goto this funeral alone.
i'm sorry, jane.
my aunt would've wantedyou at her funeral.
we were togetherfor 4 1/2 years.
you were part of her lifefor 4 1/2 years!
well, then it's hardly my faultshe's missed the window.
the window?
am i just some kindof joke to you now?
of course you're notsome sort of joke.
( snorts )
( gasps )
jane, wait!
jane!
what the helldo you take me for, steve?!
i'm not trying to lure youback into bed with my dead aunt!
that can so easilybe misinterpreted.
evening.
yup, evening.
i said i couldn't go.
why not?
i didn't think you'd want me to.it's jane, it's my ex.
so what?you're friends.
you shouldbe there for her.
i can't believeyou could be so cold.
i was being faithful.
look, phone her...now.
tell her youwere being an idiot.
shirt?
kitchen.
right.
what, so you're okay about mebeing somewhere with jane?
steve, it's a funeral.
they're gonna crematean old lady.
i don't think it'sgonna lead to anything.
skirt?
ppbehind the telly.oh, right.
jane:..hello?
jane, hi, it's steve.
steve.
look, i've been havinga long chat with susan
about this being faithfulto dead aunts thing,
and, well,to cut a long story short,
she was being an idiot.
how did susan manageto be an idiot
when she wasn't evenin the conversation?
well, exactly.women, eh?
anyway, look,the point is--
of course i can cometo the funeral with you.
it's the least i can do.
oh, steve!
..thank you so much.
hey, no problem.
listen....big favor,and i'm really sorry to ask.
it's just, well,my family like you a lot,
and they don't knowthat we've split up.
do we have to tell themat the funeral?
it would just be so awfulin front of everyone.
well--
we don't have to pretendto be together.
we just don't tell themwe're apart, okay?
please.
okay, yeah. i don't see whythat should be a problem.
can you find outwhen it is,
in case i haveto take a day off work?
ppsorry?can you find outwhat day we're going?
right.
jane...
um, susan was just asking...
can she come, too?
why would susan want to cometo my aunt's funeral?
well, she's never met her.
listen, steve, if you bringyour new girlfriend
to my aunt's funeralin front of everyone i know,
it'll be completelyhumiliating for me.
pp..can't you see that? well...
so just explain thatto susan.
okay, right, absolutely,i'll explain it.
that's what i'm gonna do.
xxsusan?yeah?
it's a reallysmall chapel.
what?
very, very small.
it's strictlyone guest per griever.
well, you're a griever.i can be your guest.
well, no--technically,i'm a griever's guest,
and griever's guestscan't bring guests
'cause otherwisethe whole thing
is just gonnaturn into an...orgy.
a funeral's gonnaturn into an orgy?
it's a risk, yes.
she hasn't told her friendsyou split up, has she?
she wants you thereas her boyfriend.
well--
you haven't agreedto that, have you?
of course i haven't.don't be ridiculous.
you can justexplain to her
that i'll be thereas your girlfriend.
i'm sureshe'll understand.
right, absolutely.i'll tell her that.
good.
vvyeah, that'swhat i'm gonna do.right.
jane, what susan,in fact, feels is--
she'd love a word.
jane, i'm so sorryto hear about your auntie.
oh, that's so sweet of you.
i said to stevehe must go to the funeral.
well, you must come, too.
xxare you sure?absolutely.
xxsee you there.bye.
bye.
she's not passing you offas her boyfriend!
she's not telling peopleshe's your girlfriend!
what's the matterwith you?
this was your idea!
can't you seewhat she's doing?
tell me you don't see somethingfunny about what she's doing!
there's nothing funnyabout it!
( snorts )
susan!
she's not doing anything!she's got a dead aunt!
oh, for christ's sake!
susan.
anyone can havea dead aunt!
evening.
da da da da.
i know exactly whatyou're gonna say.
i want you to be susan's dateat jane's aunt's funeral.
okay, a bit out there.
what did you thinki was gonna say?
oh, well, you see, i thoughtyou were gonna notice
that i'm looking kind of cool,kind of confident.
why?
i'm imagining people naked.
oh, so why am..i susan's date?
so people don't thinkshe's my date.
jane hasn't told her familythat we've split up yet,
so i don't want everyonethinking i'm there with susan,
so susan's gonna needa decoy date.
and what does susanthink of that?
are youimagining..me naked?
i'm imagining..everybody naked.
it's automatic now.
look, susan doesn't haveto know that you're her date.
if the four of usstick together,
everyone's gonna assumethat i'm there with jane
and you're there with susan.
that way, no oneasks any questions,
and everyone getsout of the funeral alive.
except jane's aunt.
well, it's her funeral.she's an acceptable casualty.
are you stillimagining me naked?
well, you'reperfect practice for me.
i've seen you naked.
i've got somethingto base it on.
when?
when we were camping.
you were pissed.you went in the river.
oh, it wasa very cold river, jeff.
so?
so, you've gotto take that into account
when you're imagining me.
i'm warmer now.you've got to compensate.
look, it's..my imagination.
i could knock offa couple of inches.
only if you cometo the funeral.
only if youget the drinks.
spotty ass.
patrick, i need you.
excellent.when and where?
i want you to be my date
at steve's ex-girlfriend'saunt's funeral.
i like it.
then i can bethe pizza boy,
..and you can be..working late.
patrick,this is not a sex game.
i'm asking you a favor,and sex is not involved.
and you'readmitting that up front?
you see whereyou've gone wrong?
look, steve's goingwith his ex and me,
but i think he's gonnapretend to be with her,
so i want my ex thereto show him what it feels like.
i couldn't do that to steve.he's a friend.
oh, so tell meabout your friend, pizza boy.
are we playing now?
does your dickdo all the thinking, patrick?
uh, i don't know,i'll ask it.
that is the single lamestattempt anyone has ever made
to get meto go out with them.
sally, how do you fancycoming with me
to susan's new boyfriend'sex's aunt's funeral?
i don't do funerals.
sally, please!
patrick,i'm a career beautician.
i have devoted my lifeto the fight against aging.
a funeral is likethe headquarters of aging.
it'd be like james bond
going intothe spectre control center.
i'd be recognized.
but i need a decoy date.
i can't go with susanright in front of steve.
you don't understand.
have you seendead people?
pptrust me, death isthe best argumentfor moisturizer.
you can't prevent deathwith face cream.
that's what everyone thinks,
but no one's ever used itin the quantities i do.
it's just one afternoonin a crematorium.
she's being cremated?
that's so unhygienic.
i refuse to breathea dead person.
it's just a funeral.everybody's been to funerals.
even you've beento a funeral.
yes, but i didn't inhale.
there's gonna bea lot of old people there.
you'd be the most moist.
just, um...going to a funeral.
is it an aunt?
yeah.
good luck.
four of them.four of..your friends.
look, i explained.
susan won't let mego with you
unless shebrings patrick.
patrick won't comeunless sally comes.
and jeff won't back out
'cause he's the only one whoactually knew your aunt,
and he thinks it's unfairif he's left behind.
i think your friendshave behaved appallingly,
and you shouldtell them that.
you tell them.
it's your jobto tell them.
they're your friends.
i'd feel stupid.
the very least you can do,steve, is tell them!
you've allbehaved appallingly.
will you guyshurry up?
and stop playing..reservoir dogs.
all: sorry.
auntie muriel.
jane, my dear.
we're not going onto the crematorium till 2:00.
have a sausage roll.
we're eatingbefore the funeral.
isn't thata little unusual?
well, i'm hungry now.
anyway,i never liked the bitch.
sausage roll?
everyone,this is my auntie.
all: hello.
ppwe're going onto the crematoriumat half past two.
aren't you cutting ita bit fine?
my..other auntie,patrick.
i'm muriel.margaret's in the box.
half past?you said 2:00.
2:00, half past--
she's quite stable.
sausage roll, margaret?
oh, no, you're dead.
vicar: jane.
what a sad day.
but you looklovelier than ever.
oh, thank you.
now, i can never remember--
which of these ladsis your young man?
um, hang on.
well, i'm with sally.
i thought youwere with susan.
no, i'm with susan.
i must bewith jane, then.
vicar, hello,nice to see you again.
where have you been?
i can't go around with youunless susan goes with patrick,
and he won't go near herbecause of me.
oh, for heaven's sake!
do you really think i'm tryingto get back with you?
aren't you?
no.
i'm pleasedyou're with susan.
she's perfect for you.
she's lovely.she's very sexy.
yeah, she is,isn't she?
absolutely.i quite fancy her myself.
really?
not really my type,but i could've gone for her.
you're luckyyou saw her first.
really?
look, i supposethis funeral thing was my fault.
i should've known howit was gonna look to susan.
i'm gonna go and square itwith her, okay?
really?
coming?
actually, i'm gonna standbehind this table for a bit.
what?
yeah, i'm justgonna stand here...
for a bit.
why?
it's your fault--talking about women.
ppoh, for heaven's sake!sorry.
how much longer?
um, about the usual amount.
how much longerin minutes, steve?
oh, um...not very.
sounds familiar.
i wish you'd have mentionedthis lesbian obsession
when we were going out.
at least then wecould've had some threesomes.
we could've had threesomes?
a couple of my girlfriendssuggested it.
i didn't thinkyou'd be interested.
we could've had threesomes?
there's no point going onabout it now, is there?
it's too late.
we went out for 4 1/2 years.you never said.
aw, steve...
it's hardly my faultyou missed the...window.
are you all right?
no, not really.
it's a very difficult time,this.
( gasping )very difficult.
let it out, son.
let it go.
i thinkthat might be best.
i think we ought to talk.
about what?
i think you know about what.
excuse me.
oh, my god!
ppwhat's wrong?nothing.
nothing, i just gota bit of a fright.
i was just sayingto my friend here,
you look..so like mewhen i was younger.
don't be horrible.
pardon?
sorry, no, um...
she's like me in my weddingphotographs, isn't she?
what age was i then?
about 40?
40?
about 40, yes.
i don't look 40!
so do you knowany of these people?
no, not really.
well, nobody upright.
i don't know how you cope.
i hate it in a roomfull of people i don't know.
oh, well, you see,i have a secret.
i have a special wayof looking at people.
nothing canfrighten me now.
you wantthe rest of this?
what about the ear thing?does he still do that?
oh, god, the ear thing!
vv( clicks tongue )( screams )
what does he thinkthat's gonna do?
( both laugh )
and look at my neck.
look at the underhangof my jaw.
no way is thata 40-year-old underhang.
yeah, it's gettinga bit segmented.
what do you mean?
that's how it starts,you know.
( gasps )don't touch me!
i'm full of moisturizer.you might drain it all off!
ppwhat?it'd be like rainon the desert--
it'd all getsucked away.
you'd probably reflate.
rr45.what?
i was 45 when i got married,when i looked just like you.
rrand what age are you now?92.
well, you must be gettingpretty nervous, then.
nervous?
let's be honest,
this has got to beyour last funeral standing up.
you use a lot of face cream,don't you?
yes.
so did i.
jeff?
( tearfully )what?
what's the matterwith you?
i can't turn offthe naked people.
great!
what do you mean,"great"?
oh! ugh!
it's disgusting!
exactly.
if everyone else is disgusting,that means..you must be the best.
hmm?
you're gonna walkthat interview, jeff.
i am, aren't i?
jane: oh, look there,we've made up.
happy now?
susan, this is awful!
what's happened?
i'm getting older,and i'm going to die.
i knew this would happenif i came to a funeral.
oh, look, it'smy other new friend sally.
isn't this nice?
look at us, steve.what a threesome.
you should see thisthe way i do.
excuse me.
could you just hang onfor a moment?
i'm sorry?
we--we just want to um...say good-bye.
just take a moment.
would you like me to openthe casket so you can see her?
yeah, that wouldprobably do the trick.
vicar, clapping hands:everybody!
i just thought, before wego onto the crematorium,
we should take a momentto remember margaret here,
in her home,which she loved so much.
so, let's havea minute's silence...
starting now.
( ticking loudly )
( glass shattering )
( woman laughing )
( woman laughing hysterically )
well, you've gotto laugh.
we're ready for you now,mr. murdoch.
woman:good morning, mr. murdoch.
mr. murdoch?
are you all right,mr. murdoch?
dictate: SamanthaChang
-=YDY-SFile=- sasa